Many of my clients struggle with issues involving their teenagers.  I often hear the phrase, "Nothing I say is right.  I am trying, but I just don't know what they want from me!"  Dana Bernstein is a high school student completing a summer internship with DailyLit.com.  She compiled the following list for parents who ask that question- What Does My Teenager Want?

Things We Wish Our Parents Did

1. Talk about things that aren't related to school.

2. Have other hobbies and interests besides us.

3. Let us sleep in.

4. Say you don't know if you don't know.

5. Just listen to us at times- no advice, no judgment.

6. Tell us when we're doing something right, not wrong.

7. Don't always talk about us to your friends.

8. Don't kill us if we mess up occasionally.

9. Tell us the truth.

10. Don't forget to tell us you love us.

Source:  The Teen Scene by Dana Bernstein. Copyright 2010 by Dana Bernstein.

In Tara Parker-Pope's recent New York Times Health Blog, she quotes Brian D. Doss, an assistant psychology professor at the University of Miami:
“It seems like we’re even more resistant to thinking about getting help for our relationship than we are for depression or anxiety.  There’s a strong disincentive to think about your relationship as being in trouble — that’s almost admitting failure by admitting that something isn’t right.”
Many couples believe marriage therapy is a last resort and only seek counseling after the relationship is critically damaged.  James V. Córdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., is currently testing a model of marriage therapy where couples come in for therapy on an annual basis even if they describe their relationship as "happy".  Preliminary results indicate even "happy" couples benefit from an annual "Marriage Checkup".
WHAT DO YOU THINK?  SHOULD YOU TREAT YOUR MARITAL HEALTH OR MENTAL HEALTH IN THE SAME WAY YOU TREAT YOUR PHYSICAL AND DENTAL HEALTH?

If you lived with alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence, neglect, or another form of abuse as a child, you may have developed coping mechanisms that helped you survive.  Those same coping skills that were helpful as a child, can be detrimental to your mental health as an adult.  


Claudia Black, Ph. D. outlines common behaviors of adult children of addicts or abusers as:
you learn to distrust your own perceptions
you doubt the truth of your own experiences, and pretend you do not hurt
you stop trusting your intuition
you don' talk about feelings
you don't trust others
you don't ask for help
you have a high tolerance for inappropriate behaviors


If you recognize any of these characteristics as your own, stop and challenge each one.  Ask yourself why you have these beliefs?  Are these behaviors currently serving a positive purpose?  Are these beliefs and behaviors impacting you in a negative way, now that you are an adult.  If you had a childhood surrounded by abuse or addiction, reexamining the above ideas may be beneficial to your mental health.

Classic Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy models are based on the assumption that thoughts (cognitive processes) dictate feelings.  Those feelings then dictate behaviors (or actions).

Here is a basic example:
A fire alarm goes off in a hotel at night
.
Person A thinks:  some kids pulled the alarm and now I am awake!
Person A feels: anger at the kids and annoyance about being awake.

Person B thinks: there must be a fire, I must get out!
Person B feels: fear of being trapped in the fire, worry about how to escape

Person C thinks: I remember when my friends and I liked to pull the fire alarm.
Person C feels: understanding of kids having fun and comfortable to go back to sleep.

You CAN control you thoughts, which leads to the ability to have more positive feelings.

Christy Motta, MA summarizes a Cognitive-Behavioral approach to dealing with aggression below:

In the case of aggression, the individual must change the perceptions and beliefs that contribute to increased anger. In order to do this, the individual must: 1. Cope with arousal. The first step is to identify (observe) what is happening. The individual must become aware of when they are angry and notice the physical sensations and thoughts that accompany it.

2. Replace problem thoughts with thoughts that are helpful in dealing with PROVOCATION. "This could be rough, but I can deal with it" "easy does it" "Live and let live" "Stick to the issues. Don't take it personally."

3. Modify problem thoughts to those that are helpful in dealing with CONFRONTATION. "keep my cool, walk away, take a time out" "I don't need to prove myself" "There's no point in getting mad"

4. Change appraisals and reflections AFTER A CONFRONTATION.

a. Unresolved: "They don't have to agree" "let it go" "don't take it personally"
b. Resolved. Label (Describe) what happened. Praise self.

People frequently need some external limits in order to identify their aggression as a problem and begin actively working on modifying their thoughts. Probation, the risk of losing housing and the risk of losing important valued relationships are common consequences that get people thinking about their aggression.

A fun website,  www.brownielocks.com, lists all the "official holidays" and "special designations" for each month of the year.  I bet you did not know May is  American Wetlands Month, Freedom Shrine Month, Get Caught Reading Month, EcoDriving Month, Gifts from the Garden Month, Sweet Vadalia Onion Month, Ultra-Violet Awareness Month and many more.  I think we Americans have gone a little overboard with recognizing our pet causes on our calendars.

While it is fun to wonder why anyone would feel the need for a "Sweet Vadalia Onion Month", there are many significant causes that benefit from efforts to increase awareness during their specially designated month.  Mental Health America (MHA) has designated May as Mental Health Month.  Since 1949, MHA has developed a unique them around which they try to educate the public about the realities of  mental health and mental illness.   This year, MHA's theme is Live Your Life Well, a "campaign designed to help people better manage stress and major life challenges by taking actions to preserve and strengthen their mental health. The campaign features 10 specific tools — activities each of us can do to better handle challenges, protect our health, and increase our well-being."  See www.liveyourlifewell.org for more details.

If you think you know someone who is suffering from a mental illness, but is not receiving treatment.  Reach out to them.  There are so many resources available now to improve their lives.  MHA's website www.nmha.org is a great place to find help in your area.

We all know people who seem to have a very positive sense of self, a confidence level that allows them to take on many challenging roles.  This trait can be a positive one, allowing these individuals to accomplish goals and be successful in their life endeavors.  There are times, however, when these personality characteristics are too extreme in an individual.  These people cross the line from being certain and assured to arrogant and haughty.  

A Psychiatric Disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is present when an individual has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of situations and environments.

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders outlines the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as the following.  In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of these symptoms:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Dealing with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be challenging at best and devastatingly painful at worst.  Knowing who you are dealing with can be helpful.  The quiz below from www.psychcentral.com may help you evaluate yourself or someone else.
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

Once you make the decision to pursue counseling, you must then decide WHICH therapist to call.  Many people ask friends or family members for recommendations, others search the internet, and still others use the old-fashioned yellow pages.  No matter how you choose, that first session is your opportunity to see if you have found a therapist who will meet your needs.

Dr. John Grohol, CEO of PsychCentral, writes the four most important attributes of a good therapist are:

1. A good therapist is positive and empathetic.
2. A good therapist is professional, courteous, and respectful.
3. A good therapist recognizes her strengths and limitations.
4. A good therapist is genuine.

As you meet and talk with your therapist the first time, look for these characteristics.  If you feel you have not chosen someone who meets the above four criteria, I encourage you to try a different therapist.  You want to achieve the best possible match in order to have the greatest chance of meeting your goals.

No parent wants to believe their child is abusing alcohol at the age of 12, but it is never too early to have a conversation with them about drinking.  Some kids start asking questions about alcohol consumption as early as 4 or 5 years old.  Answering their questions honestly and openly as they become curious about drinking is the best approach.

If you do think your child may be experimenting with alcohol, here are some signs that suggest you should talk with them immediately:

• smell of alcohol on breath, or sudden, frequent use of breath mints
• abrupt changes in mood or attitude
• sudden decline in attendance or performance at school
• loss of interest in school, sports or other activities that used to be important
• sudden resistance to discipline at school
• uncharacteristic withdrawal from family, friends or interests
• heightened secrecy about actions or possessions
• a new group of friends whom your child refuses to discuss

Don't be afraid to confront your child and express your suspicions.  You may be able to prevent later abuse by intervening early.

I often talk with my clients about the definition of "Normal".  What is "Normal" to one person seems "Abnormal" to another.  Why?  Is there a "Normal" and how is it defined?  Check out these fun photos of places around the world, and think about which of them are "Normal". 
http://www.instantshift.com/2009/02/19/80-strange-and-fantastic-buildings-architecture/